How to Put a Hex on Sex (Relationship Lust Busters!)

There are lots of things lovers often do (or do not do) that can place an immediate hex on sex. One moment you're in hump heaven and the next thing you know you are quickly back on earth.

Some may seem trivial to you, however during my sex coaching sessions, many couples have complained about a lovers insensitivity to some of the situations listed below. Use this check-list to keep you on the road to hot and steamy sex!

1.  Enter the "No Nag Zone!" - Constant bickering will cool things down quickly. It is very difficult to want to make love with someone you are always in conflict with. Think loving thoughts about your partner. Speak loving words and do loving things. Being pissed off at your partner spoils the mood. Follow the "Golden Rule."

2.  Run Silent, Run Deep - This is great for submarines during battle, but not a good idea for healthy love relationships (except perhaps the deep part). When making love, make a joyful noise. Not so the neighbors will hear, but give it an occasional moan. Let your lover know that you are enjoying yourself.

3.  Hide the Photos - All you need is for your lover to sneak a peek at the picture of your Ex on the bedside table to grind things to a halt. Married partners can often be inhibited by photos of small children nearby.

4.  One Thing at a Time - Men cannot multitask. Generally speaking, they have one-track minds. They require total concentration on the task at hand. No distractions, please. So, if your guy is helping you go for the big "O," the last thing you want to do is to ask him if he'll pick the kids up after the hockey game.

5.  Let Compliments Come on Their Own - Asking if you are the best lover your partner has had while having sex is a no-no. Assume you are. Asking anything that suggests a comparison to your partner's former lover will also turn down the heat.

6.  Lock the Bedroom Door - Being concerned about whether the kids will interrupt you during sex can keep you from enjoying your partner to the fullest. Put a sign on the door that says, "Mommy and Daddy need some time alone." Spending time with your partner behind a closed door sends an important message to them. They need to know that you both place a high priority on being with each other. Here's a cute story you might enjoy.

7.  Squeeky Clean! - Be ready for the unexpected while making love. In other words give your body a thorough scrubbing before having sex. Take a hot bath or shower. Splash a dash of perfume or cologne in places you might invite your lover to visit. Consider soaking in a hot tub together. It relaxes your body and your brain.

8.  Let His Hard Drive Reboot - Expecting or demanding that your lover make love with you too soon after his command performance puts undue pressure for your partner to perform. Most men so soft after ejaculation. Give him 20 to 30 minutes to recuperate. Cuddle for awhile and if you want an erotic encore, say so, but be okay if he says no or cannot.

9.  Soft Touch! - After orgasm, a man's penis is ultra-sensitive. Once he's done his stuff, give it a rest. No touching unless he's okay with it. You don't need a dude-decoder to know that most men love sex and are always wanting more. If he's hep for a sizzling second round, he'll tell you and will let you know when he's again ready for your slow hand and how much pressure to apply when and if it's needed.

10.  Time Out! - Take a bump-and-grind break once in awhile. Don't force your bod to the brink. You are not in the "Bedroom Olympics." Mattress marathons work best when you go from fast and furious to slow and easy and back again, etc.

11.  Let the Past Be the Past - NEVER talk about former lovers or make comparisons when making love.

12.  Wham, Bam, Thank You, Maam! - Hey, guys! Never get on just to get off, then roll over and play dead. She needs "after-play" as well as foreplay. Cuddle. Do spoons. Give her some kisses and tell her she's the best. Be frisky. Plan (in advance) some postsex surprises. Use your imagination. The mind is the greatest aphrodisiac. Use it to heat things up between you. Read Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers for some great ideas.

13.  No Foreplay? - That'll cool thing off. Foreplay is the road to the pinnacle of pleasure. Pay attention, guys! Foreplay, play and after-play makes a good lover. Most women need 20 to 30 minutes of active foreplay to reach orgasm. Be creative. Go the extra mile. Use your fingers, your mouth, your tongue, a vibrator or whatever she's in agreement with to turn the temperature up.

14.  Shutting Down - Speak UP! Not telling your partner what you like and what you will not do is a no-no. They cannot read your mind. Never leave your partner in the dark about sex. Respect their right to say yes or no.

15.  Hard to Get - Playing hard to get will not cause him to get hard. Most men are challenged by the chase, however if you're ready, give him a signal. That'll light his fire. If you're not interested, say so. Don't tease or lead him on.

16.  Hold Your Tongue - Be careful not to suggest to your love partner that because he can't get it up, there must be something wrong with you, i.e., that you do not turn him on like you used to. When a man is having trouble getting an erection or keeping it up, it is usually him, NOT YOU! The last thing he needs is something more to think about when he is doing the best he can. Talk about it later.

There is nothing that can chill a hot time more than suggesting that something is wrong with what is going on in the moment. Save it. For now. . . tell him it's okay. Pressure is the enemy of pleasure. Hold him. Accept what he can give. Cuddle. Don't take it personally. Every man has moments when what is supposed to work, doesn't. Often women do not understand this. Demonstrate your understanding by being patient. This may be the night you get to take care of yourself.

17.  Recycling Trash - Things that were said or done in the past are history. You cannot change them by continually throwing them up in your lover's face over and over again, so "stop it!" There is no future in the past. Let the past "be" the past. Forgiveness is a far better plan! Let bygones be bygones. Recycling the trash of the past only causes resentment, anger and no sex!

18.  Withholding Doesn't Work! - Sex is not a favor to be withheld. In marriage it is a sacred obligation. Granted, there are times when you may not want or feel like having sex with your partner. However, the love expressed by the sexual act is a needed supplement to sustain a healthy love relationship. Withholding sex, for whatever reason, can cause partners to withdraw from the relationship. If you feel that your partner is not making you feel special and appreciated outside of the bedroom, you may begin to keep score sexually to justify your resentment. It often can become a "she did" so when she is ready, "I will withhold too" and vice versa. This is a dangerous game for marriage partners to play.

Making love exhibits your love for your mate. It helps that person know he or she is a needed part the partnership. With marriage there are fewer surprises than when you were flying solo. The longer you are together there is a preferential comfort to be mutually enjoyed, the warmth of shared passion and the grace of acting in accordance with what is just and moral and right and good for the marriage.

It is important to the survival of the relationship to embrace and frequently experience sex. This expression of love and act of devotion to your partner will do more to keep you together than can any immature game you could make up to withhold the love that needs to be evidenced. If you do not keep sex active and exciting, the intimacy you feel from that special closeness will disappear. . . and quite possibly the relationship too.

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Copyright © 2002 - Larry James. Reprinted with permission. - This article is adapted from Larry's books, "How to Really Love the One You're With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship," "LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing" and "Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers." Author Larry James presents seminars nationally for singles and couples. Subscribe to Larry's FREE monthly "LoveNotes for Lovers" eZINE. Contact: CelebrateIntimacy.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. LarryJames@CelebrateIntimacy.com - CelebrateIntimacy.com