When 'I do' becomes 'I don't want to' Sexual desire wanes in many marriages, and men are often the least interested

More than 40 million Americans are mired in a low-sex or no-sex marriage.

And it is not just the women who say no. Sex therapists, researchers and marital counselors -- as well as some divorce lawyers -- are concerned about increasing numbers of men of all ages who rarely desire their wives sexually or rarely have sexual fantasies because a variety of physical and emotional factors.

''Despite men's uneasiness about discussing it, there are countless men whose sexual machinery works fine, but they just don't feel like using it,'' marital therapist Michele Weiner Davis says.

Their wives, she says, feel deeply angry, hurt and rejected. Some of her female clients express ''rage and despair,'' she says. ''They feel an incredible loneliness in their marriages.'' And those marriages are ''put at risk for infidelity and divorce.''

Women traditionally have been the ones cited as having less interest in sex than their men do -- having ''headaches'' and other maladies that preclude making love. They still are cited first in most research.

But now uninterested men are drawing attention as many therapists and counselors search for ways to keep marriages intact. Looking for answers to preserving marital bonds is even a goal of the Bush administration, which supports federal money to promote marriage programs.

''This subject is bubbling up to the surface as marriage itself is put under the microscope -- and thankfully so,'' says Weiner Davis, the author of Divorce Busting and the new The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido (Simon & Schuster, $24).

Disgruntled women also are less willing to suffer silently without sex. Wives increasingly ''feel entitled to step forward (at home) and say they want sex,'' Weiner Davis says. ''In the past, only bad girls did.''

The attention paid to Viagra has also brought the subject of male low sexual desire into the public domain.

But faith in Viagra as a magic pill is actually harming relationships, says sex therapist Barry McCarthy, a psychology professor at American University. Men mistakenly think it will boost libido, but the drug has no direct effect on inhibited sexual desire. The belief that if a man gets an erection with Viagra, desire will follow is ''one of those great sexual myths.''

The drug also sets men up to expect an ''autonomous'' erection without regard to a partner's participation, while in fact it requires stimulation by a caring mate.

''Viagra can set men up for failure,'' McCarthy says, particularly when it is prescribed without adequate information. He is co-author of Rekindling Desire: A Step-by-Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages (Brunner-Routledge, $16.95) due in stores next month.

Statistics on sexual desire for both men and women are somewhat pie-in-the-sky and are often challenged by various researchers.

One oft-quoted 1992 study says 16% of men and 33% of women are not particularly interested in sex. McCarthy says low sexual desire is a problem for 14% of men and 33% of women, with the figures for men increasing with age.

Men mum on topic

Many experts believe the incidence of low male sexual desire is greatly underreported. ''Few men in their right minds want to tell the world that sex isn't very important to them,'' Weiner Davis says.

''Their identity is wrapped up in their virility,'' she says. Not being interested in sex ''strikes at the very core of their being.'' She believes 20% to 30% of men and 30% to 50% of women have little or no sex drive.

Weiner Davis shares some of men's demons in The Sex-Starved Marriage:

* ''My wife makes more money than I do, so we've agreed that her job comes first. She doesn't appreciate what I do to make our family run. . . . When my wife comes home, all she does is nag. Then she gets mad when I have no desire to kiss or hug her or even make love. I know our sex life stinks, but what can I say? I'm not into it.''

* ''I'm a 52-year-old man who has no idea what's happened to my sex drive. I used to think about sex at the drop of a hat. But now I can go for days without thinking about it at all. . . . None of my golf buddies talk about their sex lives, so I don't really know if there's something wrong with me or not.''

* ''Lately I have absolutely no desire for sex. I have no idea why this is happening to me. I love my wife, and we get along just fine. . . . If it were left up to me, I'm not sure we'd ever have sex again. I'm too uncomfortable to talk to anyone about this. Please explain.''

Cultural expectations harsh for men

The causes of low sexual desire in both sexes are often complex and multi-layered.

The problem for men is compounded by the cultural belief that healthy young men are supposed to be able to perform on demand. ''This just really does violence to what men are about,'' says psychologist and sex therapist David Schnarch, author of Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship.

The very fact that men are expected to want sex virtually all the time can be one reason for a reduction in desire, Schnarch says.

''The common idea is that men are more interested in sex than women. The fact is many men are intimidated by their wives' desire.''

The culture teaches men to equate their masculinity with virility. As men move into their 40s, the biggest sexual change that occurs, McCarthy says, is that ''they get fewer spontaneous erections. There is a big panic when they have their first unsuccessful intercourse. The problems can get worse and worse, and rather than the man seeing this as a normal change that he should anticipate,'' he will not talk about it and may ultimately opt out of the bedroom.

''When men can begin to see their mortality, when maybe their virility is not what it used to be -- and it happens to guys younger than 45 -- they can go into a big funk,'' Weiner Davis says.

McCarthy believes that many men with low sexual desire have other, specifically sexual problems that lead to reduced libido.

Other experts point to a wide range of factors. Weiner Davis notes that between ages 40 and 55 most men experience a drop in testosterone and other hormones that affect interest in sex. Some prescribed drugs and chronic illnesses can affect sexual interest as well as alcohol and some illegal substances including cocaine.

Psychological problems can leave men as well as women feeling ''preoccupied, disengaged'' and less interested in sex, Weiner Davis says. Both sexes can feel ''crappy'' about themselves, she says, and suffer from low self-esteem or a poor body image. Sexual energy can be sapped by grief over a serious loss, stress at home or work and advanced states of fatigue.

The Jan. 13 issue of New York magazine features an article on ''Generation Sexless,'' on young marrieds in the Big Apple who are too tired, overworked and focused on their young children to feel much like what they regard as another chore: having sex.

But the real problems occur when one partner does want sex and the other virtually never does. An unacknowledged ''relationships issue'' may be holding the lower-sex partner back. ''Anger, resentment, disappointment, hurt or betrayal dampen most people's desire,'' Weiner Davis says.

A deep-seated anger can affect many men's sexual desire, Schnarch says. ''A sensitive man would rather give up sex than have it with somebody he is deeply angry with. Then the normal difficulties that come up in relationships will drive him out of bed.''

A man's low sexual desire can be so damaging to his ego that he is unable to talk about it with his partner, much less a professional. But low sexual desire is best dealt with as a couples issue.

''Sexuality means shared pleasure,'' McCarthy says. ''It is an interpersonal process that involves more than intercourse and sex organs. We talk about sex more than ever now, but not in a way that allows men and couples to understand and work together.''

Various counselors, from the family doctor, to clergy, to marital and sex therapists, have various approaches to healing a couple. Methods include a focus on physical techniques as well as delving into emotional quagmires caused by shame, blame and guilt. Some experts offer wide-ranging courses that create dramatic changes in the way couples interact.

The truth is, Weiner Davis says, ''boosting sexual desire is a very imprecise business. There is no scientific approach. It is trial and error. There are different ways to go. The only way to truly screw up is to do nothing.''

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Copyright © 2002 - Larry James. Reprinted with permission. - This article is adapted from Larry's books, "How to Really Love the One You're With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship," "LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing" and "Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers." Author Larry James presents seminars nationally for singles and couples. Subscribe to Larry's FREE monthly "LoveNotes for Lovers" eZINE. Contact: CelebrateIntimacy.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. LarryJames@CelebrateIntimacy.com - CelebrateIntimacy.com